Equal Partners, Unequal Holidays: Navigating Solo Decking of the Halls at Christmas
Despite priding ourselves on a relationship that champions equality, as the festive season approaches, I find myself shouldering the burden of holiday preparations alone. In what should be a harmonious partnership, the stark reality emerges: women are bearing the weight of twice as many festive chores as men. How did our ostensibly balanced alliance transform into a one-woman show come Christmastime?
Our relationship embodies the modern ideal: equal breadwinners, shared responsibilities in childcare, open communication about feelings, finances, and familial matters. We've even chosen a civil partnership, eschewing marriage due to its historical gender disparities. In our household, there are no designated "boy jobs" or "girl jobs." Yet, the holiday season exposes a hidden imbalance.
The Christmas circus begins early, with the annual query from a family member, directed predictably at me: "What are you thinking for Christmas this year?" Suddenly, I metamorphose into a seasonal logistics coordinator without pay, juggling the needs of various relatives, recalling last year's priorities, and considering new additions. While my partner nonchalantly responds with shrugs and "sures," I navigate the intricate dance of coordinating plans with friends and family, all while factoring in the newest member of our family – our baby – and his festive nap schedule.
As the list of plans and people to communicate with seems never-ending, I discover I am not alone in this predicament. A survey of my female friends, all within relationships mirroring our purported balance, reveals a shared sentiment: they, too, bear the brunt of the Christmas load, both physical and emotional.
The roots of this disparity dig deep into the concept of "emotional labor," a term coined by sociologist Arlie Hochschild in 1983. Originally describing the emotional aspects of paid work, it has since expanded to encompass the invisible mental load women undertake in unpaid domestic work – the planning, delegating, coordinating, communicating, worrying, and caring. With Christmas inherently focused on family and children, it's no surprise that women find themselves burdened with an increased cognitive workload during this period.
So, as the holiday season unfolds, the question lingers: How can we reconcile the ideals of equality in our relationship with the stark reality of an unequal distribution of Christmas responsibilities?
The unequal distribution of festive responsibilities extends beyond emotional labor, as a 2016 study reveals. Women find themselves shouldering a staggering 17 Christmas-related tasks, from purchasing and writing cards to crafting nativity costumes and preparing the Christmas feast, even when not hosting. The post-Christmas workload persists, with women tasked with ensuring children pen thank-you cards. In stark contrast, men take on only nine jobs, with token roles like setting up new toys (often synonymous with quality time) and carving the turkey.
Carving the turkey becomes a metaphorical footnote akin to Buzz Aldrin and Neil Armstrong's moon landing glory, while the unsung hero, in this case, is the person who navigated the complexities of the oven and basting – often the woman. My personal grievance centers around gift-giving. Despite my partner's overall lack of Christmas prowess, his particular blind spot is gifts, leading to memorable moments like discovering my present sitting unwrapped on the kitchen table on Christmas Eve.
The larger issue surfaces when it comes to presents for others, epitomized by a chaotic Boxing Day morning wrapping session borrowed from his mother. While our nephews enjoy the quirky tradition, my concern lies in the fear of being perceived as disorganized during the festive season, with the blame inevitably falling on me. The worry is rooted in internalized societal expectations, where women are presumed to be on top of everything, especially during the holidays.
The narrative, deeply ingrained in societal consciousness, leads to an unsettling sensation that, unlike my partner, I'm under scrutiny for any perceived shortcomings. As he cheerfully navigates the stairs, sticky tape in hand, I feel the weight of prying eyes, questioning why I didn't intervene sooner to orchestrate a seamless holiday experience. In unraveling the layers of this unequal festive tapestry, it becomes apparent that the struggle extends beyond the tangible tasks, delving into societal expectations and the internalized pressure to conform to gendered roles, even during the season of celebration.
If the prospect of solo holiday preparations has you feeling weary, and the desire to share the mental load is your heartfelt Christmas wish, there are ways to bring about change. Consider, perhaps, a drastic move—like a friend of mine who, in one bold stroke, refused to buy any presents on behalf of her husband. While this initially led to awkward Christmases, it ultimately paid off: he now handles his own gift shopping, allowing her to relax with a Baileys in hand.
For those seeking a more nuanced approach, conversation can be a powerful tool. In my case, a gentle talk with my partner about his perspective on Christmas, especially the transactional nature of gift-giving, provided valuable insights. While it didn't yield an immediate solution, understanding his feelings fostered a more collaborative spirit.
In a surprising turn, he later approached me with genuine excitement, sharing a thoughtful present idea he had for one of his nephews. It was a small but meaningful step towards a shared understanding and collaborative holiday spirit. So, as we navigate the festive season, let's not underestimate the power of open communication and the potential for transformation, even in the most time-honored holiday traditions. Return on Boxing Day to discover if my partner managed to wrap the gift on time—a tangible sign of evolving traditions and shared responsibilities.
In the pursuit of a more equitable festive season, the journey often involves unconventional choices, heartfelt conversations, and a willingness to challenge traditional roles. Whether it's the bold move of refusing to buy presents on behalf of a partner or the gentler approach of engaging in dialogue, these steps reflect a desire for shared responsibility in decking the halls.
As my friend's story demonstrates, initial discomfort can pave the way for long-term balance, with each partner taking ownership of their respective holiday tasks. The holiday season is a time for joy and connection, and these efforts aim to ensure that the mental load is a collective responsibility.
In my own experience, the power of conversation revealed a partner's perspective on the transactional nature of gift-giving, shedding light on his struggles with holiday engagement. While solutions may not be immediate, understanding each other's viewpoints lays the foundation for a more collaborative approach.
The anticipation of change surfaces in small victories, like my partner's newfound excitement in contributing thoughtful present ideas. It signifies a shift towards shared understanding and shared responsibilities, transforming the narrative of the holiday season.
As we await Boxing Day to see if these efforts culminate in a wrapped gift, the larger takeaway is clear: by challenging the norm, fostering communication, and embracing evolving traditions, we can craft a shared holiday narrative that reflects the values of equality, partnership, and joy.